Life as of 12:12 pm

Sitting in the school cafe.
Listening to my Ipod that is now two thousand songs fuller.
Drinking chunky juice.
Watching the pouring rain.
Consecutive rainy Thursdays: 5.
Completely and utterly content.

Conversations with myself.

Oh Cat.
Kitty Kitty Cat, look at you.
You have successfully done it again.
Making an ass out of yourself is really what you do best, isn't it?

Well at least you can stop hoping now.
I just wish you would stop crying, I hate to see you cry.:[

Saturday Night Discontent

He sits behind me and reaches around.
Kissing my ears my face my shoulders my neck
As I stare straight ahead at the white bleak wall
Focused on a fly that is focused on us.

I think I'll build a nice little cottage on mars.

The question.

I am surrounded by the wisdom of my elders.
In the creases in their face, the twist in their bones, the scars on their skin, the stories in their hearts. These people have lived life.
So many questions they could answer, but I only have one inquiry.
"What is the most important thing in life?"

I have received very different answers. Money, education, family, friends, love.

But there was one answer that left me speechless, cold, and very dismal.

Nothing. Nothing is important in life.
When I pressed him further he had told me "I have lost the woman I love, now I'm just waiting to die so I can see her once again."

Inspiration in the form of a dress

it's back.

i'll be with you shortly.

Everyday

Oh hello.
Don't you know that I love you?
And I miss you so.

All these things that I've done.

I do not want anything right now.

I'm sorry I ruined your life.
I'm sorry you think that I am wrong.
I'm sorry you think that I have wronged you.
I'm sorry I am not the girl that you dreamed of.

Try to understand.
Try to see it from my side.
Try to be in my shoes.
But even then will you understand?

No, you won't.
You are drowning in your self-loathing.
You are too deep to see.
I'm sorry.
But you are.

Believe me when I say I understand. I understand more than you could ever dream of. I have been there. I have also been rejected. Not by someone who I never had in the first place, but by someone that I gave my entire heart and being to. Someone who I truly thought I had forever. I also have been rejected, dear.

You never even had me.
You have only had my friendship.
I am not taking that away.
So how can you be so upset with me for being honest.
For not leading you on.


Trying to make me feel like I have done something wrong will do nothing. So please, stop.

I'm a sexy international super spy who never cries!

...Living the life of Caitlin Phares.
Age: 19
Height: 5'11''
Weight: 120 lbs

Friends: Limited to the Internet
Relationship Status: Very recently had heart stomped upon
Schooling Status: Her life as of now
Current Goal: Finding happiness in souly herself

Notes: It has been several years since I took up the identity of Cat.
Her character is an odd one, but I have found that it produces the most interesting results in all parties involved in her life. Her best attribute and her biggest downfall is most honestly her undying loyalty. When it comes to relationships a very visible pattern has occurred.
Step one) boy says he loves Cat
Step two) Cat now feels comfortable enough to return this love, fully committed Step three) Several months pass, talk of marriage, true love, etc. goes on, usually first coming from the male
Step four) Cat begins trusts and believes boy wholeheartedly without thinking that boy may change
Step five) Boy starts to distance himself from Cat
Step six) Cat senses this, begins to worry, ultimately makes everything worse
Step seven) Boy tells cat "it's not you, it's me"
Step eight) Cat cries (which of course is totally against my real personality. I never cry.)
Cat feels as if she will always be a stepping stone.
Loved, but not the one.
Cat is trying so hard to love herself and be happy with herself.
Cat is starting to break down.
Maybe this project should be terminated.

I miss Sweden.

"I could never deny her anything."

I found my poetry book.
Listen.

You want
Everything. All things.
I'm left with nothing
As you are king with all of your
Riches.

The lies
They fill this pages
Setting it ablaze with
Things I long to hear from you.
Too late.

Toss away
Your pen and paper
Write instead in the sand
Let the ocean take it all
Away.

The trees
They bend in shame
Walking past they fall humble
And the flowers wilt wishing they
Were dead.

Stop it.
I would rather
Hear the truth from you than
Listen to this beautiful song
Of lies.

Seeing blood
It drips down walls
And across the floor back
To the veins from which they have
Come from.

Vacant
Darkness comes rolling
Lurking up and down shadows
That no one calls home.

The last tree on Earth
Alone in this world
Wait for your love to return
Build up your branches.

Silence is golden
Except for when you are lonely
Then it's only bronze.

Greed
Greedy people sit
Waiting for the perfect time
To take the last life.

The watering hole
Water spills inside
The lips of all the thirsty
Crocodiles snap.

He never meant for it to end.
He wanted to give her everything.
So when she said "higher," he pushed her higher.
But she said
"No. Higher."

What the hell am I doing!?

I feel so stupid.

I am such a disaster, but I'm all I have.

I am not sure what it is I have done that has repelled everyone I love away from me.
It has happened in waves. Slowly, but surely I've been left here..with myself.
The tide has gone out. I am standing on the beach watching the setting sun.
I can watch a sunset on my own.

Maybe this is because of my personality, perhaps I'm too clingy.
I desperately hold on to people praying they won't leave, only to push them away by overwhelming them.
Or maybe this is just part of growing up. Friends change over time. The new tide brings new friends. New experiences.
But.
I would have to say the first.

Maybe this won't be so bad.
Maybe being completely alone will finally kick me into "grown up" gear.
Maybe now I can focus on myself, I hear that is all the rage.

It's hard, for so long I've had someone to physically be there.
Someone that I could call at anytime and they would answer, give me support. I think I've leaned on other people too much, because now that there isn't anyone there I'm falling over. I've forgotten how to stand up by myself.

Let me tell you, losing friends and loves during this time, a time when I felt like I could rely on them the most is hard. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts.
And while I would like to be a big girl and do this ALL alone, I feel like I need a friend. Someone.
Lonely. Not a word I had ever honestly used before.

I heard something pretty interesting today:
The idea is to remain in a constant state of departure while always arriving.

Thank goodness there are quizes that tell me who I am!

Romantic, hopeful, and composed. You are the Sonnet. Get it? Composed?

Sonnets want Love and have high ideals about it. They’re conscientious people, caring & careful. You yourself have deep convictions, and you devote a lot of thought to romance and what it should be. This will frighten away most potential mates, but that’s okay, because you’re very choosy with your affections anyway. You’d absolutely refuse to date someone dumber than you, for instance.

Lovers who share your idealized perspective, or who are at least willing to totally throw themselves into a relationship, will be very, very happy with you. And you with them. You’re already selfless and compassionate, and with the right partner, there’s no doubt you can be sensual, even adventurously so.

You probably have lots of female friends, and they have a special soft spot for you. Babies do, too, at the tippy-top of their baby skulls.

It's not always about the words. It's just having someone there to listen.

Oh hello.
I have a lot to say. But no way to say it, no one to say it to.

All things considered: The...thing, my favorite doggy dying, pissing off Allison and Bethany, today was a little bit better.
Well it was, it currently is not because I am sitting here thinking. Which is stupid.

How do I turn my brain off, besides having someone hit me with the force of Super Macho Man?
You don't. :c
Sadly my brain keeps going.

But I realized today that depression is a lot like a rainbow, or a bubble, as horrible as I am feeling right now, this very second, it will not last forever.
There is not a day that I go through that I am 100% depressed. Sometimes I will be watching tv and something will make me laugh. A new wave of emotion will briefly cover all of the horrible, lonely, feelings I am having now. And those waves can only last longer and longer.

Another thing I realized is the importance of human contact...which...I am currently not experiencing.
My day is this:
5am: Cat finally is able to fall asleep as mom leaves for work
10 am: Cat wakes up and gets dressed, forgets to eat
11 am: Cat calls Allison and Bethany
11:10 am: Allison and Bethany are working out together today, sorry
12 pm: Cat gives up trying to find something outside of the house to do
1 pm: Cat starts thinking, begin stupid wallowing/pity crying
2 pm: Cat watches Everybody Loves Raymond
3 pm: Cat cleans her room, but gets distracted by photo albums and cards, more wallowing follows
4 pm: Cat's mother calls, tells her to stop crying, ask what she's accomplished today.
5 pm: Cat remembers to eat, sometimes she goes to find food, other times not.
6 pm: Cat tries to figure out what she should do with herself. How to better herself, how to become a stronger more desirable Cat. The more wallowing.
7 pm: Cat sits on her computer
8 pm: Cat sits on her computer
9 pm: Cat sits on her computer
Yeah. of course there is Internet talking going on in this time. Which is nice. I have Jon and Christine to talk to. Haha, they are pretty much the polar opposites of each other.

Ok. So since I've had a better day today I was thinking of me a lot.
I officially have the rest of my SCC classes picked out until I graduate (which will be this summer!!!)
I am so thankful I am getting out of there before it becomes SCUM.
After that....I dunno! Christine wants me to move to Cali with her and Joe, she then wants to move to Seattle! Which I guess we never know. I doubt I will have the money, but it would be neat to have a roommate for a little bit while I was in college....BUT. This is still a year away and a lot can happen by then!
I'll let you know what I think dear blog.
Later :3

I figured it out. I figured it out....I figured..it out....

I know why this is five million times harder why it needs to be.
and I know why I keep crying every time I'm alone.
I figured it out this morning why I just can't let him go.
He is the one that changed his plans, while I was still madly in love.
And because I'm still in love with him just as much as the first day we started dating x1000000, when he says he loves me too...I can't let go.
That, right there, is what keeps me hanging on.
Because in my little Caitlin mind I love you translates into, when I'm ready for a relationship again, I want it to be with you. And it necessarily does not.

But alas, I keep hanging on, because when he is ready to be in a relationship, I want to be there.
If I missed any chances, I would never be able to forgive myself.
So, as long as there is air in my lung and I am still in love, I'll be there.

Here is another thing. I, Caitlin Phares, SWEAR to every and any god that I will no longer bring this topic up. I PROMISE. Not to this blog, not to a friend, and not to Jon. If I haven't scared him away already it would be a miracle in itself.

I wish that without me your heart would break.

Hi, I'm tired.
I'm really really tired.
So I will make this fast.

Ok. So. From now on, I will try REALLY REALLY HARD to not be such a big baby and try REALLY REALLY HARD to understand what is going on.
Ok.
UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
Ok. I don't know what to do. OH RIGHT. There is nothing I can do.
Ok. Ok ok. So, Cat. Your dreams have been smashed. So what. Get over it.
Ready. GO.GO. GO. GO. GOGOGOGOGOGOGO. Yeah it's not working. BUT. I am still trying. REALLY REALLY HARD. Remember that.

Buh.
I'm not happy anymore.

I'M TRYING.
(but, there is a chance. let it go. whatever happens will happen. focus on cat.)
Ok.
I give up trying to make myself feel better tonight.
OK.

My torn heart won't heal right if I keep tearing at the sutures

Oh music, you stir up some strange emotions.


This song makes me happy, but I always end up crying by the end.

Here's the thing.
I know there is life before Jon.
But I can't go back to that.
He changed the way that I looked at the world.
And life before Jon is no more.

I'm currently in life in Jon limbo.
I won't say life after.
Because he is still there.
He is still my Jon.
And my friend.
And I have prayed every night and will continue to pray,
that our lives will fit together again.
As nicely and as easily as they did before.
Because he is the one that I love.

you are the mustard stain here, bub

creepy_piano: zomg I haz a job interviews in 4 hours
omgwtfbbq: zomg
creepy_piano: it's for changing peoples oil at canadian tire
creepy_piano: I'm gonna be like
creepy_piano: "I'LL BE THE BEST OIL CHANGER EVERR"
kittycat: you are going to get hired for sure
creepy_piano: " Y-y-you're HIRED!"
kittycat: I don't know how to change oil. so you win over me!
creepy_piano: wewt
creepy_piano: also, it's mostly because I can get away with having stains on my clothes
creepy_piano: then I can be like
creepy_piano: "yah, I change oil"
omgwtfbbq: "but that's a mustard stain"
creepy_piano: "NO U"

Peter Pan told me it was easy to fly, I just had to think happy thoughts. I closed the window and went back to bed.

We are having a garage sale today.
I woke up at 4 this morning with about an hour or so of sleep to see Christmas lights all around our driveway and my mother saying "We look like a bunch of Mexicans."

Ohhhh, what to do? Some little boy just bought my neon pink slinky for a quarter. My heart is breaking.
And there goes my wooden rocking chair from when I was a baby, for a dollar. Ouch, right through the heart.
There is a beautiful little vase out there too. It has a peacock on it, and I'm praying no one takes it.

I'm such a pack-rat. I hold on to anything that holds any memories, even if it is trash to anyone else. I have about 3 rocks up in my room, and I can't let them go. Every card, every dried flower, anything that I can pick up and say "That was fun, I miss that." I have little scraps of paper and a box full of notes that Meghann and I passed freshman year. When we were still best friends.
Of course when I came home all of that is gone, currently rotting in some trash heap. But I guess it's for the best.
It's weird to think what makes a memory. What moments become memories.
There are some moments that take place and you can consciously think, I'll remember this forever. But then there are others that just oddly stand out in your mind.
For example! I can clearly remember watching Jon's hands when we were driving back from LA and wanting to play with them very badly. So the memory is just of his hands driving. And I can see it as clear as day! But that is how I will most likely remember the drive "home." But I like that, it makes me feel warm and comfortable.

God dammit. Someone just bought the vase with the peacock.

Boom

What is it that happens in the human brain? Sometimes it happens slowly, gradually, and it is difficult to see. Other times it happens as quickly as a car accident. A flash of lightning.
It takes you from moment A) In love. To moment B) What did I ever see in you? in the blink of an eye.

I have seen this occur over and over again, and I just cannot grasp it. I don't understand. How can this be?
It's frightening when you think about it.
I think, "What if that were to happen to me?" How would I react.
Probably not as well as poor Landon is taking it.

Maybe this only happens to people who were never really in love to begin with.

So I guess I shouldn't worry :)

I love you, Paris.

Time is that one thing that I wish away and then beg for it to stay just a little bit longer.
I'm so tired.
And it feels like there is an old piece of meat settling at the bottom of my stomach.
Maybe I should go to bed.
But first,
I watched this movie today. Paris, je t'aime,
and it made me think.
It made me think about all of my relationships.
Friends, family, lovers, people I barely even know.
I thought about them, and I thought about what is happening with those people, and why we are where we are.
Some of the things that came to mind were beautiful,
others scary.
Well. Watch this.

Did it move you? No? Well then you have no soul.
Maybe now I can go to bed.

D-Day

Today I sat outside of my house for 20 minutes watching 5 hawks circling a tree in my neighbor's yard. I thought it was amazing how it seems they can just float up there forever without even flapping their wings, they just spread their wings and fly.
Suddenly all 5 hawks dove into the tree. There was a moment of silence, then a black swarm of tiny birds rushing after the hawks.
It seemed the hawks were taunting the little birds the way they glided around in circles, slowly and calmly. All the while the little birds where flapping their wings with fury, passing the hawks as they made their smooth circles and bomb diving into them when they had the chance.
I could see some of the little birds fall out of the sky, meeting the unfriendly ground below.
I soon found myself cheering for the tiny birds. The little underdogs, who together can take on the largest hawk.

GOD SPEED MY TINY BIRD FRIENDS....God speed.

...

Words don't work like Webster says, they trip me up all night.

I remember a time when it was wrong to openly glare at a stranger, or at least they would awkwardly look away as soon as they saw you had spotted them staring you down. I suppose this is no longer the case.
Starting last week I have encountered large groups of people who have been staring at me, and not in the "I want to be your bff" way either. In fact, it's more of a "hey there is that girl that started the Holocaust and stomped all the baby kittens on the planet all in the same day" look.

I swear to you, this is not me being paranoid.

For example: There is this blond girl in my math class who sits two seats across from me. I will be talking to Jake about something retarded, much like everyday, when I will look slightly past him and notice that this girl is GLARING at me, squinty eyes and all. Now this is the part where I expect her to look away because I see her looking at me. No. Instead she continues to stare me down while I'm staring at her, creating a huge awkward stare-off confusing the hell out of poor Jake.

This is not the only instance of this happening.

Am I really that offensive looking?
Do I smell?
Do I say things that are so retarded people feel the need to let me know with their eyeballs?

I don't understand.
Maybe I resemble a serial killer that dwells in Massachusetts.

In other news: this paper is destroying my soul.
DESTROYING
MY
SOUL.

I feel like I am literally loosing my mind.
It's probably floating out in the atmosphere, by this point probably somewhere over Africa.
Honestly, knowing that I will be in Albuquerque in 11 days is the only reason I have not blown up my school.
:/
:\
Maybe it's not that bad.
The the brain floating around over Africa is true.

SO HERE I GO. Dive into the deep depths of Euthanasia.
Fun Fun. See you in two weeks. :|
What I will emerge as after those two weeks is a mystery. A demon, a fire-breathing dragon. All I know is it won't be the cute and cuddly Cat that you all know and love.
KBAI.

3 AM

My window is open
but I hear nothing.
The wind is blowing
but the sound of the breeze slips past my ears.
The rain falls
but the soft melody never floats my way.
The world is mute
dark
cold.
All I can hear is my own heart
beating inconsistently
making it difficult to sleep.

My thoughts are carried to the darkest depths of the universe
were only the stars can hear their frantic pleas for help.
They only shine back in reply,
"You are on your own."
What a wonderful life.

That's It!

Tim has always been a good friend.
But.
I can no longer put up with his shit.
He is far too honest, abusive, self-centered for me.
And now I'm done.

This is not saying I'm going to be a big bitch and never speak to him again.
Or act rudely towards him.
I don't have the heart.
But things are going to change.

I'm pissed.

And now- a song:

I'm too much or not enough
maybe everyone else is messed up
well anyway i can't seem to stay
in just one state of mind

waiting 'round for something better
I'm the one that wouldn't let her
now I'm back and for
I get bored when she's no perfect find

'cause it's one thing or another
I don't even know why i bother
one thing just tears her down
'cause it's one thing or another
I don't even know why i bother
something i just can't get around

consider the possibility
that you've been had but not by me
we're just kids
don't worry about this

my course is run and I'm so tired
still the next one comes inspired
I feel bad and i should
I made her sad and i knew it would


I need to learn
to wait in turn
'cause now I just step blindly
and I'm only happy when
I can close my eyes and I just dive in
and forget about acting kindly


still I know you won't let me down

Bethany grabbed my chest like 6 times last night.

Last night I had a nightmare that a huffy clown on stilts tried to kill me, but gave candy to all of my friends.
What a douche.

I think my dream was trying to tell me something. Like an huffy clown on stilts is going to kill me, but give candy to my friends.
So deep.

I did something to deserve it surely. I probably pushed his wife over.
Kicked a puppy.
Stole cotton candy from a young lad then spat at him.
Electrified Oprah with an electric cattle prod.
Gave Vin Diesel a wig.
Wasted my hot dog when a child in Africa could have eaten it.
Said that I enjoy Nicolas Cage movies.
Chewed with my mouth open.
Threw up on his shoes.
The list goes on and on.

Anyway, before this retarded dream I was over at Beth's for most of the day. It was nice outside once again, so we decided to go to the park. Bethany, of course, wanted to walk [damn her physical fitness]and of course this park is in another state, possibly another planet. Once we got there, two hours later, we found that the park was under construction and therefore- CLOSED.
We began our long trek back to her house when all of a sudden my back started to itch. I didn't think anything of it at first....not until Tim started screaming at me to look at my legs. They looked like someone had painted them bright red.
By the time we got home my face, back, and arms were the exact same way.
I covered myself in wet paper towels and tried not to rip my skin off until the heat rash went away...another 3 hours down the line.

After that ordeal we made mac n' cheese and koolaid. The perfect spring/summer food. And we watched a mixture of happy tree friends and kitten videos on youtube. After we had stuffed ourselves with cheese and mac and aid we agreed that we REALLY needed to go swimming. Of course, none of our pools open until labor day, so we headed for the Rec-plex.

Swimming was good. Except I have a new nickname :/
The Condom.
Yup.
Landon, Bethany's boyfriend, really enjoys dunking people, BUUUUT since I can't get water in my ears due to a massive hole in my eardrum I was pretty much safe [I say pretty much because he still splashed the hell out of me]. So after Allison and Bethany got tired of the dunkage they would cling to me saying, "YOU CAN'T TOUCH ME! I HAVE A CONDOM." Of course I started this by telling Allison "I'm done being your condom, you use me then throw me away." I should have known it would have stuck.

After pool we got into the hot tub for a little bit. The water was foamy and disgusting, but we got in anyway, against all of our best judgments. So we are sitting there when Allison warns me not to lean back, I SHOULD NOT HAVE LOOKED, there was this large disgusting pile of cum/snot/hair/herpes right behind my head. I felt like I was going to vomit. There was also dirt in the foam so we decided to leave. :/

As I get to the locker room it's not very full so Bethany and I decide we should just change there. As I'm trying to show her my cool changing trick a bunch of girls walk in giggling at me with my bra over my swimming suit. They are just a little bit younger than us so we carry on. Then a bunch of little girls walk in. They scream. My self esteem is ruined forever.

We are finally out to our cars and about to leave when Landon's truck makes a noise similar to a baby panda being gooshed by a piano. His car will not start :/
So I pull up next to him, confess I am lacking jumper cables and the wait begins.

I turn up the music in my car and we all cram into the back of Landon's truck talking about how sucky it was the first time we tried to use a tampon. Sucks to be Landon.

Once Landon's dad shows up to fix his car I take Allison home then I go home, rather exhausted. Stickam called and I watched Jon and Joe play bad video games for a couple of hours.
I really really really really really miss them and it has kinda been getting me down, so yesterday was nice.

And now we are back to the clown on stilts.

Today will not be nearly as exciting. Math homework and such.
Sorry you had to read that.

Sunny Shitty Days Lead To Thoughts Of Things

Today was beautiful. The clouds were white and puffy, the birds were singing their songs of love, the flowers were showing off their colorful petals, kids were running around the green campus, screaming and playing frisbee, the sun was warm and had a big smiling face, he wore sunglasses too- and I gave it all the big ol' middle finger.

Flicking off nature. What a rebel.

The other day my cousin called to tell me he has become someone that he truly hates.
He told me that he does things that he knows will only lead to heart-ache and failure.

So I told him what any good cousin would tell him.

If you know you have become someone that you don't want to be - change it.
If you are doing something that will lead you to failure - don't do it.

It was so obvious to me when it was someone else. What is the problem? Be different.
But as I'm ranting to him about how to become a better person I realize that more than anything I'm talking to myself. Ouch.

Alright. So now that I have unknowingly handed myself the key to success it shouldn't be a problem. STOP being the old Cat that doesn't know Jack. DON'T keep making the same mistakes.

Believe it or not I have been figuring myself out.
I don't just sit back and watch the world go by. I no longer slide along and let everyone else guide me, fix my problems, tell me what to do.
I've been thinking about what I want. Not what others want for me.

For a really long time I've lived to please, to bid to every whim that anyone had. Be a doctor! She would tell me. And I would instantly want to become a doctor.
[Please note that my mother never wanted me to be a doctor :3] But while doing all of this, bending this way and that to try to please everyone I forgot about what I wanted, and it's just now that I've been working to get that back.

There are still times that I have to ask myself if doing this or that is really something that I want, or if it's just something to please so and so.


I have decided I want a tattoo. It's actually something that I've always really wanted. A piece of art that you can carry around forever and ever. Art that really means something to you.
I told this to my aunt the other day and she started crying. She BEGGED me not to do it. And maybe a few months ago I would have promised that I wouldn't get one, but this time I only said sorry, which only led to more crying. :/

OH WELL.






I swear I'm figuring it all out. At the moment it is all I can do!

Inspiration is just a spark...

The future is a mysterious creature. A creature that we will never get the change to trap, to hold, know or be friendly with. It is always just one step ahead of us.
Yes, the fact is that one never reaches the future.
Tomorrow will simply become today when tomorrow comes. The future once again gives us the slip.
This is something I've always felt I've understood.
But last night I realized,

I live for the future.

Why would I live for something that I can never really obtain and hold on to?
As I fight to understand the future and waste time fearing about what may be, I loose touch with the present and let all of the wonderful precious moment I hold this very second slip away. Those are moments I can never retrieve.

I've wasted almost 19 years of wondering what is going to be, instead of what is happening all around me at this very moment, and this deeply disturbs me.
But, past, another mysterious creature that we can never capture or hold, is just another waste of my valuable time and something that I will no longer dwell on.

I will only live for today. For this very moment. For what is, and not what will be.

Thank you for helping me understand.
Thank you for that spark.
Now I'm no longer waisting my time.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this.
It's 11:27 PM and it is no longer 71 degrees.






I rode my bike today. And as I was doing so I had one of those lightbulb moments.
That is all I feel like sharing at the moment.

As of late, I've been feeling a little off.
I dunno. Whatever.

end post.

3 years in a trash bag

Yet another beautiful day- slips through my fingers.


Instead of opening my blinds and letting the sun sink into my skin, I cleaned, recycled, researched, and naked napped.
Oh to be naked. To be without the discomfort, the twist and tangles of rough cloth on soft skin. Most excellent.

So I decided to go through my garage and free all of my stuffed furry friends. They had been captured and trapped in large plastic bags for years. Ohhhh nostalgia hit me like a run away horse and buggy.
I found Twinkie, the dog.
Bubsy, the rabbit.
Fifel, the mouse.
Sparkles, the unicorn.
Joe Boy, the cocker spaniel.
Mrs. Grapes-a-lot, the hippo.
Luna, the cat.
Animal, the slinky.
AND.
Squeaks, the...?




My absolute favorite toy as a baby, I would carry Squeaks around any and everywhere I went.
I'm totally cuddling with him tonight.

In other news.

I freaking love everyone and everything in New Mexico.
Especially my Jon-bear. :D
I'm pretty sure he is the only reason I haven't gone postal [yet].

Yes, it's just the most ridiculously wonderful feeling to know that there is someone out there that loves you more than anything and to love them back just as much.
It's nice to have someone to come home to, to talk to about anything, and to not be judged even though you are such a dumb you really deserve to be judged.

Yup! 3 months today, even though it feels more like 3 years. It's ok, I'm not in a hurry, we have the rest of forever after all.

The non-eventful life of a crash dummy

So.
Bleh.
I am realizing the number of friends I have is rapidly decreasing.
I find myself asking all too often, What makes me such an easy target.
Being the so-called "slutty/stupid/annoying/outcast/beat-em-up" friend isn't fun. For the first 4 years that I have known most of these people I looked past this simply because that's how it has always been. But now I stop and wonder why this is still happening. None of my other friends are being beat up and/or suffocated while everyone else sits around and pretends it isn't happening. or worse. laughs.
In all honesty, up until this point I've just laughed along with them, shrugged it off. It's no big deal. But every time I come home physically hurt it gets more and more irritating.
I guess I haven't done anything about this before because they are the only friends I have. It's not like I'm the most popular or approachable chick in the galaxy.

So, what I'm trying to say is. I wish that while I was around my friends I felt safe and loved.

What do I do? Should I just leave all of my friends and try to start over? It sounds harsh, but having a serious talk isn't working, because they don't take me seriously.

Maybe there is something wrong with me, because I still love all of these people. So, I guess for now I will work on not being used and beat and etc etc.

QWERTYUIOLKJHGFDESXCFVGBHJ.
Ok. That's all. The Pokemon Movie is on and I totally want to watch it.

I wish to eat your flesh

I got a new book.
MMMM books, I'm not super far into it yet, simply because math homework > reading
but, I can say to you that it is not a very high reading level book. For some reason it makes me feel a little lacking :C
I can look past this, why?
Well it's called Pride and Prejudice and Zombies and for this reason alone I feel I must read it.
It's one of those books that is just cool to say you've read.


In other news, I'm getting my DSi tonight at midnight, I am rather gitty. I shall be sure to tell you all about it as soon as I get it.
I, of course, am getting the sexy blue one.
I would rather have the lime green one that is out in Japan, but screw the wait.

Behold

I would like the thank the brain tumor that is pushing against my eye sockets.

Besides the fact that I woke up way late, my paper wouldn't print, mom blamed me for all the computers in the house exploding, and I've had a throbbing headache all day: today has been pretty good.
I guess because nothing besides that has really happened.

I shall make a to-do list!
ahem
1. get out of bed
2. put on pants (maybe)
3. do some laundry
4. finish cleaning this god-awful room
5. eat (again: maybe)
6. IF TIME, do homework.

I always put the homework off for last :3

ok! so! here I go! (maybe)

blah blah path of righteousness blah blah

Does one really have to go through a horrible and/or life shattering experience to understand who they are, what they want, and what life is really all about? Or can someone just be born into the world all knowing? Or more likely, I suppose, find all of this out just by living day to day.

It worries me to be told, you need to grow up, you need to figure yourself out, you need to know. Am I not? Do I not?

Fine. So I can understand how I need to grow up a tad. Perhaps doing the "talk to the hand" hand when mother dearest hammers my nerves is a little bit 8th grade, and yes, I know very well that I need to get a job (which I am totally looking for yet dreading with every fiber of my being). But am I really that young for my age? Should I try to speed things up when I am where I need to be for the time being? Should I really skip through all of my happy-go-lucky life-is-cake-and-icecream phases and realize that life is a really shitty roller coaster ride that essentially one has to take alone?

Honestly, asking myself all of this isn't really clearing it up.

I'm torn between "I have to grow up so I can face the world like a tough girl" and "I'm scared to grow up, Neverland has been my home for so long"

Even though I'm not sure what is the best, I'm pushing against the big freaky door of adulthood. There isn't anything that I do anymore that I don't think is this ok? am I doing the best that I can do?

Essentially, I just want to make myself proud.
I want to make him proud too. It's not fair he has to wait around for me so we can communicate on the same level. Dating a little kid can't be much fun, just annoying.
This is dumb.

In the here and now

I find myself boiling water, which is more dangerous than it sounds.

On a deeper level:




I'm just really happy.