Does one really have to go through a horrible and/or life shattering experience to understand who they are, what they want, and what life is really all about? Or can someone just be born into the world all knowing? Or more likely, I suppose, find all of this out just by living day to day.
It worries me to be told, you need to grow up, you need to figure yourself out, you need to know. Am I not? Do I not?
Fine. So I can understand how I need to grow up a tad. Perhaps doing the "talk to the hand" hand when mother dearest hammers my nerves is a little bit 8th grade, and yes, I know very well that I need to get a job (which I am totally looking for yet dreading with every fiber of my being). But am I really that young for my age? Should I try to speed things up when I am where I need to be for the time being? Should I really skip through all of my happy-go-lucky life-is-cake-and-icecream phases and realize that life is a really shitty roller coaster ride that essentially one has to take alone?
Honestly, asking myself all of this isn't really clearing it up.
I'm torn between "I have to grow up so I can face the world like a tough girl" and "I'm scared to grow up, Neverland has been my home for so long"
Even though I'm not sure what is the best, I'm pushing against the big freaky door of adulthood. There isn't anything that I do anymore that I don't think is this ok? am I doing the best that I can do?
Essentially, I just want to make myself proud.
I want to make him proud too. It's not fair he has to wait around for me so we can communicate on the same level. Dating a little kid can't be much fun, just annoying.
This is dumb.
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I think we've had this talk many times before, and we talked when you were here in New Mexico, and we will likely talk about it again.
ReplyDeleteThere's no easy answer, and it's almost impossible to find if you're just spending your time looking for it.
Let life happen as it does, and every day, things will happen that are meant to, to shape the future and to ultimately show you what it was you want to know. It finds you.
Not everyone gets the hard life situation that tears their soul apart to reveal the information, some people know. But they are finite compared to those who live life choosing to remain unknown, those who choose to ignore the discovery. There are far more people who will go to their grave without ever realizing their importance.
I know you are far smarter than that, and I have picked up on this many times. My only suggestion is to not worry about your past, learn from it. Do not worry about your future, it hasn't happened yet. Spend all your time in the right now. Very few people can take joy in just living in the present. It's the best time to appreciate things. :)