I figured it out. I figured it out....I figured..it out....

I know why this is five million times harder why it needs to be.
and I know why I keep crying every time I'm alone.
I figured it out this morning why I just can't let him go.
He is the one that changed his plans, while I was still madly in love.
And because I'm still in love with him just as much as the first day we started dating x1000000, when he says he loves me too...I can't let go.
That, right there, is what keeps me hanging on.
Because in my little Caitlin mind I love you translates into, when I'm ready for a relationship again, I want it to be with you. And it necessarily does not.

But alas, I keep hanging on, because when he is ready to be in a relationship, I want to be there.
If I missed any chances, I would never be able to forgive myself.
So, as long as there is air in my lung and I am still in love, I'll be there.

Here is another thing. I, Caitlin Phares, SWEAR to every and any god that I will no longer bring this topic up. I PROMISE. Not to this blog, not to a friend, and not to Jon. If I haven't scared him away already it would be a miracle in itself.