I am such a disaster, but I'm all I have.

I am not sure what it is I have done that has repelled everyone I love away from me.
It has happened in waves. Slowly, but surely I've been left here..with myself.
The tide has gone out. I am standing on the beach watching the setting sun.
I can watch a sunset on my own.

Maybe this is because of my personality, perhaps I'm too clingy.
I desperately hold on to people praying they won't leave, only to push them away by overwhelming them.
Or maybe this is just part of growing up. Friends change over time. The new tide brings new friends. New experiences.
But.
I would have to say the first.

Maybe this won't be so bad.
Maybe being completely alone will finally kick me into "grown up" gear.
Maybe now I can focus on myself, I hear that is all the rage.

It's hard, for so long I've had someone to physically be there.
Someone that I could call at anytime and they would answer, give me support. I think I've leaned on other people too much, because now that there isn't anyone there I'm falling over. I've forgotten how to stand up by myself.

Let me tell you, losing friends and loves during this time, a time when I felt like I could rely on them the most is hard. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts.
And while I would like to be a big girl and do this ALL alone, I feel like I need a friend. Someone.
Lonely. Not a word I had ever honestly used before.

I heard something pretty interesting today:
The idea is to remain in a constant state of departure while always arriving.