"I could never deny her anything."

I found my poetry book.
Listen.

You want
Everything. All things.
I'm left with nothing
As you are king with all of your
Riches.

The lies
They fill this pages
Setting it ablaze with
Things I long to hear from you.
Too late.

Toss away
Your pen and paper
Write instead in the sand
Let the ocean take it all
Away.

The trees
They bend in shame
Walking past they fall humble
And the flowers wilt wishing they
Were dead.

Stop it.
I would rather
Hear the truth from you than
Listen to this beautiful song
Of lies.

Seeing blood
It drips down walls
And across the floor back
To the veins from which they have
Come from.

Vacant
Darkness comes rolling
Lurking up and down shadows
That no one calls home.

The last tree on Earth
Alone in this world
Wait for your love to return
Build up your branches.

Silence is golden
Except for when you are lonely
Then it's only bronze.

Greed
Greedy people sit
Waiting for the perfect time
To take the last life.

The watering hole
Water spills inside
The lips of all the thirsty
Crocodiles snap.

He never meant for it to end.
He wanted to give her everything.
So when she said "higher," he pushed her higher.
But she said
"No. Higher."

What the hell am I doing!?

I feel so stupid.

I am such a disaster, but I'm all I have.

I am not sure what it is I have done that has repelled everyone I love away from me.
It has happened in waves. Slowly, but surely I've been left here..with myself.
The tide has gone out. I am standing on the beach watching the setting sun.
I can watch a sunset on my own.

Maybe this is because of my personality, perhaps I'm too clingy.
I desperately hold on to people praying they won't leave, only to push them away by overwhelming them.
Or maybe this is just part of growing up. Friends change over time. The new tide brings new friends. New experiences.
But.
I would have to say the first.

Maybe this won't be so bad.
Maybe being completely alone will finally kick me into "grown up" gear.
Maybe now I can focus on myself, I hear that is all the rage.

It's hard, for so long I've had someone to physically be there.
Someone that I could call at anytime and they would answer, give me support. I think I've leaned on other people too much, because now that there isn't anyone there I'm falling over. I've forgotten how to stand up by myself.

Let me tell you, losing friends and loves during this time, a time when I felt like I could rely on them the most is hard. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts.
And while I would like to be a big girl and do this ALL alone, I feel like I need a friend. Someone.
Lonely. Not a word I had ever honestly used before.

I heard something pretty interesting today:
The idea is to remain in a constant state of departure while always arriving.

Thank goodness there are quizes that tell me who I am!

Romantic, hopeful, and composed. You are the Sonnet. Get it? Composed?

Sonnets want Love and have high ideals about it. They’re conscientious people, caring & careful. You yourself have deep convictions, and you devote a lot of thought to romance and what it should be. This will frighten away most potential mates, but that’s okay, because you’re very choosy with your affections anyway. You’d absolutely refuse to date someone dumber than you, for instance.

Lovers who share your idealized perspective, or who are at least willing to totally throw themselves into a relationship, will be very, very happy with you. And you with them. You’re already selfless and compassionate, and with the right partner, there’s no doubt you can be sensual, even adventurously so.

You probably have lots of female friends, and they have a special soft spot for you. Babies do, too, at the tippy-top of their baby skulls.

It's not always about the words. It's just having someone there to listen.

Oh hello.
I have a lot to say. But no way to say it, no one to say it to.

All things considered: The...thing, my favorite doggy dying, pissing off Allison and Bethany, today was a little bit better.
Well it was, it currently is not because I am sitting here thinking. Which is stupid.

How do I turn my brain off, besides having someone hit me with the force of Super Macho Man?
You don't. :c
Sadly my brain keeps going.

But I realized today that depression is a lot like a rainbow, or a bubble, as horrible as I am feeling right now, this very second, it will not last forever.
There is not a day that I go through that I am 100% depressed. Sometimes I will be watching tv and something will make me laugh. A new wave of emotion will briefly cover all of the horrible, lonely, feelings I am having now. And those waves can only last longer and longer.

Another thing I realized is the importance of human contact...which...I am currently not experiencing.
My day is this:
5am: Cat finally is able to fall asleep as mom leaves for work
10 am: Cat wakes up and gets dressed, forgets to eat
11 am: Cat calls Allison and Bethany
11:10 am: Allison and Bethany are working out together today, sorry
12 pm: Cat gives up trying to find something outside of the house to do
1 pm: Cat starts thinking, begin stupid wallowing/pity crying
2 pm: Cat watches Everybody Loves Raymond
3 pm: Cat cleans her room, but gets distracted by photo albums and cards, more wallowing follows
4 pm: Cat's mother calls, tells her to stop crying, ask what she's accomplished today.
5 pm: Cat remembers to eat, sometimes she goes to find food, other times not.
6 pm: Cat tries to figure out what she should do with herself. How to better herself, how to become a stronger more desirable Cat. The more wallowing.
7 pm: Cat sits on her computer
8 pm: Cat sits on her computer
9 pm: Cat sits on her computer
Yeah. of course there is Internet talking going on in this time. Which is nice. I have Jon and Christine to talk to. Haha, they are pretty much the polar opposites of each other.

Ok. So since I've had a better day today I was thinking of me a lot.
I officially have the rest of my SCC classes picked out until I graduate (which will be this summer!!!)
I am so thankful I am getting out of there before it becomes SCUM.
After that....I dunno! Christine wants me to move to Cali with her and Joe, she then wants to move to Seattle! Which I guess we never know. I doubt I will have the money, but it would be neat to have a roommate for a little bit while I was in college....BUT. This is still a year away and a lot can happen by then!
I'll let you know what I think dear blog.
Later :3

I figured it out. I figured it out....I figured..it out....

I know why this is five million times harder why it needs to be.
and I know why I keep crying every time I'm alone.
I figured it out this morning why I just can't let him go.
He is the one that changed his plans, while I was still madly in love.
And because I'm still in love with him just as much as the first day we started dating x1000000, when he says he loves me too...I can't let go.
That, right there, is what keeps me hanging on.
Because in my little Caitlin mind I love you translates into, when I'm ready for a relationship again, I want it to be with you. And it necessarily does not.

But alas, I keep hanging on, because when he is ready to be in a relationship, I want to be there.
If I missed any chances, I would never be able to forgive myself.
So, as long as there is air in my lung and I am still in love, I'll be there.

Here is another thing. I, Caitlin Phares, SWEAR to every and any god that I will no longer bring this topic up. I PROMISE. Not to this blog, not to a friend, and not to Jon. If I haven't scared him away already it would be a miracle in itself.

I wish that without me your heart would break.

Hi, I'm tired.
I'm really really tired.
So I will make this fast.

Ok. So. From now on, I will try REALLY REALLY HARD to not be such a big baby and try REALLY REALLY HARD to understand what is going on.
Ok.
UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
Ok. I don't know what to do. OH RIGHT. There is nothing I can do.
Ok. Ok ok. So, Cat. Your dreams have been smashed. So what. Get over it.
Ready. GO.GO. GO. GO. GOGOGOGOGOGOGO. Yeah it's not working. BUT. I am still trying. REALLY REALLY HARD. Remember that.

Buh.
I'm not happy anymore.

I'M TRYING.
(but, there is a chance. let it go. whatever happens will happen. focus on cat.)
Ok.
I give up trying to make myself feel better tonight.
OK.

My torn heart won't heal right if I keep tearing at the sutures

Oh music, you stir up some strange emotions.


This song makes me happy, but I always end up crying by the end.

Here's the thing.
I know there is life before Jon.
But I can't go back to that.
He changed the way that I looked at the world.
And life before Jon is no more.

I'm currently in life in Jon limbo.
I won't say life after.
Because he is still there.
He is still my Jon.
And my friend.
And I have prayed every night and will continue to pray,
that our lives will fit together again.
As nicely and as easily as they did before.
Because he is the one that I love.

you are the mustard stain here, bub

creepy_piano: zomg I haz a job interviews in 4 hours
omgwtfbbq: zomg
creepy_piano: it's for changing peoples oil at canadian tire
creepy_piano: I'm gonna be like
creepy_piano: "I'LL BE THE BEST OIL CHANGER EVERR"
kittycat: you are going to get hired for sure
creepy_piano: " Y-y-you're HIRED!"
kittycat: I don't know how to change oil. so you win over me!
creepy_piano: wewt
creepy_piano: also, it's mostly because I can get away with having stains on my clothes
creepy_piano: then I can be like
creepy_piano: "yah, I change oil"
omgwtfbbq: "but that's a mustard stain"
creepy_piano: "NO U"

Peter Pan told me it was easy to fly, I just had to think happy thoughts. I closed the window and went back to bed.

We are having a garage sale today.
I woke up at 4 this morning with about an hour or so of sleep to see Christmas lights all around our driveway and my mother saying "We look like a bunch of Mexicans."

Ohhhh, what to do? Some little boy just bought my neon pink slinky for a quarter. My heart is breaking.
And there goes my wooden rocking chair from when I was a baby, for a dollar. Ouch, right through the heart.
There is a beautiful little vase out there too. It has a peacock on it, and I'm praying no one takes it.

I'm such a pack-rat. I hold on to anything that holds any memories, even if it is trash to anyone else. I have about 3 rocks up in my room, and I can't let them go. Every card, every dried flower, anything that I can pick up and say "That was fun, I miss that." I have little scraps of paper and a box full of notes that Meghann and I passed freshman year. When we were still best friends.
Of course when I came home all of that is gone, currently rotting in some trash heap. But I guess it's for the best.
It's weird to think what makes a memory. What moments become memories.
There are some moments that take place and you can consciously think, I'll remember this forever. But then there are others that just oddly stand out in your mind.
For example! I can clearly remember watching Jon's hands when we were driving back from LA and wanting to play with them very badly. So the memory is just of his hands driving. And I can see it as clear as day! But that is how I will most likely remember the drive "home." But I like that, it makes me feel warm and comfortable.

God dammit. Someone just bought the vase with the peacock.

Boom

What is it that happens in the human brain? Sometimes it happens slowly, gradually, and it is difficult to see. Other times it happens as quickly as a car accident. A flash of lightning.
It takes you from moment A) In love. To moment B) What did I ever see in you? in the blink of an eye.

I have seen this occur over and over again, and I just cannot grasp it. I don't understand. How can this be?
It's frightening when you think about it.
I think, "What if that were to happen to me?" How would I react.
Probably not as well as poor Landon is taking it.

Maybe this only happens to people who were never really in love to begin with.

So I guess I shouldn't worry :)

I love you, Paris.

Time is that one thing that I wish away and then beg for it to stay just a little bit longer.
I'm so tired.
And it feels like there is an old piece of meat settling at the bottom of my stomach.
Maybe I should go to bed.
But first,
I watched this movie today. Paris, je t'aime,
and it made me think.
It made me think about all of my relationships.
Friends, family, lovers, people I barely even know.
I thought about them, and I thought about what is happening with those people, and why we are where we are.
Some of the things that came to mind were beautiful,
others scary.
Well. Watch this.

Did it move you? No? Well then you have no soul.
Maybe now I can go to bed.