My window is open
but I hear nothing.
The wind is blowing
but the sound of the breeze slips past my ears.
The rain falls
but the soft melody never floats my way.
The world is mute
dark
cold.
All I can hear is my own heart
beating inconsistently
making it difficult to sleep.
My thoughts are carried to the darkest depths of the universe
were only the stars can hear their frantic pleas for help.
They only shine back in reply,
"You are on your own."
What a wonderful life.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Saturday, April 25, 2009
That's It!
Tim has always been a good friend.
But.
I can no longer put up with his shit.
He is far too honest, abusive, self-centered for me.
And now I'm done.
This is not saying I'm going to be a big bitch and never speak to him again.
Or act rudely towards him.
I don't have the heart.
But things are going to change.
I'm pissed.
And now- a song:
I'm too much or not enough
maybe everyone else is messed up
well anyway i can't seem to stay
in just one state of mind
waiting 'round for something better
I'm the one that wouldn't let her
now I'm back and for
I get bored when she's no perfect find
'cause it's one thing or another
I don't even know why i bother
one thing just tears her down
'cause it's one thing or another
I don't even know why i bother
something i just can't get around
consider the possibility
that you've been had but not by me
we're just kids
don't worry about this
my course is run and I'm so tired
still the next one comes inspired
I feel bad and i should
I made her sad and i knew it would
I need to learn
to wait in turn
'cause now I just step blindly
and I'm only happy when
I can close my eyes and I just dive in
and forget about acting kindly
still I know you won't let me down
But.
I can no longer put up with his shit.
He is far too honest, abusive, self-centered for me.
And now I'm done.
This is not saying I'm going to be a big bitch and never speak to him again.
Or act rudely towards him.
I don't have the heart.
But things are going to change.
I'm pissed.
And now- a song:
I'm too much or not enough
maybe everyone else is messed up
well anyway i can't seem to stay
in just one state of mind
waiting 'round for something better
I'm the one that wouldn't let her
now I'm back and for
I get bored when she's no perfect find
'cause it's one thing or another
I don't even know why i bother
one thing just tears her down
'cause it's one thing or another
I don't even know why i bother
something i just can't get around
consider the possibility
that you've been had but not by me
we're just kids
don't worry about this
my course is run and I'm so tired
still the next one comes inspired
I feel bad and i should
I made her sad and i knew it would
I need to learn
to wait in turn
'cause now I just step blindly
and I'm only happy when
I can close my eyes and I just dive in
and forget about acting kindly
still I know you won't let me down
Bethany grabbed my chest like 6 times last night.
Last night I had a nightmare that a huffy clown on stilts tried to kill me, but gave candy to all of my friends.
What a douche.
I think my dream was trying to tell me something. Like an huffy clown on stilts is going to kill me, but give candy to my friends.
So deep.
I did something to deserve it surely. I probably pushed his wife over.
Kicked a puppy.
Stole cotton candy from a young lad then spat at him.
Electrified Oprah with an electric cattle prod.
Gave Vin Diesel a wig.
Wasted my hot dog when a child in Africa could have eaten it.
Said that I enjoy Nicolas Cage movies.
Chewed with my mouth open.
Threw up on his shoes.
The list goes on and on.
Anyway, before this retarded dream I was over at Beth's for most of the day. It was nice outside once again, so we decided to go to the park. Bethany, of course, wanted to walk [damn her physical fitness]and of course this park is in another state, possibly another planet. Once we got there, two hours later, we found that the park was under construction and therefore- CLOSED.
We began our long trek back to her house when all of a sudden my back started to itch. I didn't think anything of it at first....not until Tim started screaming at me to look at my legs. They looked like someone had painted them bright red.
By the time we got home my face, back, and arms were the exact same way.
I covered myself in wet paper towels and tried not to rip my skin off until the heat rash went away...another 3 hours down the line.
After that ordeal we made mac n' cheese and koolaid. The perfect spring/summer food. And we watched a mixture of happy tree friends and kitten videos on youtube. After we had stuffed ourselves with cheese and mac and aid we agreed that we REALLY needed to go swimming. Of course, none of our pools open until labor day, so we headed for the Rec-plex.
Swimming was good. Except I have a new nickname :/
The Condom.
Yup.
Landon, Bethany's boyfriend, really enjoys dunking people, BUUUUT since I can't get water in my ears due to a massive hole in my eardrum I was pretty much safe [I say pretty much because he still splashed the hell out of me]. So after Allison and Bethany got tired of the dunkage they would cling to me saying, "YOU CAN'T TOUCH ME! I HAVE A CONDOM." Of course I started this by telling Allison "I'm done being your condom, you use me then throw me away." I should have known it would have stuck.
After pool we got into the hot tub for a little bit. The water was foamy and disgusting, but we got in anyway, against all of our best judgments. So we are sitting there when Allison warns me not to lean back, I SHOULD NOT HAVE LOOKED, there was this large disgusting pile of cum/snot/hair/herpes right behind my head. I felt like I was going to vomit. There was also dirt in the foam so we decided to leave. :/
As I get to the locker room it's not very full so Bethany and I decide we should just change there. As I'm trying to show her my cool changing trick a bunch of girls walk in giggling at me with my bra over my swimming suit. They are just a little bit younger than us so we carry on. Then a bunch of little girls walk in. They scream. My self esteem is ruined forever.
We are finally out to our cars and about to leave when Landon's truck makes a noise similar to a baby panda being gooshed by a piano. His car will not start :/
So I pull up next to him, confess I am lacking jumper cables and the wait begins.
I turn up the music in my car and we all cram into the back of Landon's truck talking about how sucky it was the first time we tried to use a tampon. Sucks to be Landon.
Once Landon's dad shows up to fix his car I take Allison home then I go home, rather exhausted. Stickam called and I watched Jon and Joe play bad video games for a couple of hours.
I really really really really really miss them and it has kinda been getting me down, so yesterday was nice.
And now we are back to the clown on stilts.
Today will not be nearly as exciting. Math homework and such.
Sorry you had to read that.
What a douche.
I think my dream was trying to tell me something. Like an huffy clown on stilts is going to kill me, but give candy to my friends.
So deep.
I did something to deserve it surely. I probably pushed his wife over.
Kicked a puppy.
Stole cotton candy from a young lad then spat at him.
Electrified Oprah with an electric cattle prod.
Gave Vin Diesel a wig.
Wasted my hot dog when a child in Africa could have eaten it.
Said that I enjoy Nicolas Cage movies.
Chewed with my mouth open.
Threw up on his shoes.
The list goes on and on.
Anyway, before this retarded dream I was over at Beth's for most of the day. It was nice outside once again, so we decided to go to the park. Bethany, of course, wanted to walk [damn her physical fitness]and of course this park is in another state, possibly another planet. Once we got there, two hours later, we found that the park was under construction and therefore- CLOSED.
We began our long trek back to her house when all of a sudden my back started to itch. I didn't think anything of it at first....not until Tim started screaming at me to look at my legs. They looked like someone had painted them bright red.
By the time we got home my face, back, and arms were the exact same way.
I covered myself in wet paper towels and tried not to rip my skin off until the heat rash went away...another 3 hours down the line.
After that ordeal we made mac n' cheese and koolaid. The perfect spring/summer food. And we watched a mixture of happy tree friends and kitten videos on youtube. After we had stuffed ourselves with cheese and mac and aid we agreed that we REALLY needed to go swimming. Of course, none of our pools open until labor day, so we headed for the Rec-plex.
Swimming was good. Except I have a new nickname :/
The Condom.
Yup.
Landon, Bethany's boyfriend, really enjoys dunking people, BUUUUT since I can't get water in my ears due to a massive hole in my eardrum I was pretty much safe [I say pretty much because he still splashed the hell out of me]. So after Allison and Bethany got tired of the dunkage they would cling to me saying, "YOU CAN'T TOUCH ME! I HAVE A CONDOM." Of course I started this by telling Allison "I'm done being your condom, you use me then throw me away." I should have known it would have stuck.
After pool we got into the hot tub for a little bit. The water was foamy and disgusting, but we got in anyway, against all of our best judgments. So we are sitting there when Allison warns me not to lean back, I SHOULD NOT HAVE LOOKED, there was this large disgusting pile of cum/snot/hair/herpes right behind my head. I felt like I was going to vomit. There was also dirt in the foam so we decided to leave. :/
As I get to the locker room it's not very full so Bethany and I decide we should just change there. As I'm trying to show her my cool changing trick a bunch of girls walk in giggling at me with my bra over my swimming suit. They are just a little bit younger than us so we carry on. Then a bunch of little girls walk in. They scream. My self esteem is ruined forever.
We are finally out to our cars and about to leave when Landon's truck makes a noise similar to a baby panda being gooshed by a piano. His car will not start :/
So I pull up next to him, confess I am lacking jumper cables and the wait begins.
I turn up the music in my car and we all cram into the back of Landon's truck talking about how sucky it was the first time we tried to use a tampon. Sucks to be Landon.
Once Landon's dad shows up to fix his car I take Allison home then I go home, rather exhausted. Stickam called and I watched Jon and Joe play bad video games for a couple of hours.
I really really really really really miss them and it has kinda been getting me down, so yesterday was nice.
And now we are back to the clown on stilts.
Today will not be nearly as exciting. Math homework and such.
Sorry you had to read that.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Sunny Shitty Days Lead To Thoughts Of Things
Today was beautiful. The clouds were white and puffy, the birds were singing their songs of love, the flowers were showing off their colorful petals, kids were running around the green campus, screaming and playing frisbee, the sun was warm and had a big smiling face, he wore sunglasses too- and I gave it all the big ol' middle finger.
Flicking off nature. What a rebel.
The other day my cousin called to tell me he has become someone that he truly hates.
He told me that he does things that he knows will only lead to heart-ache and failure.
So I told him what any good cousin would tell him.
If you know you have become someone that you don't want to be - change it.
If you are doing something that will lead you to failure - don't do it.
It was so obvious to me when it was someone else. What is the problem? Be different.
But as I'm ranting to him about how to become a better person I realize that more than anything I'm talking to myself. Ouch.
Alright. So now that I have unknowingly handed myself the key to success it shouldn't be a problem. STOP being the old Cat that doesn't know Jack. DON'T keep making the same mistakes.
Believe it or not I have been figuring myself out.
I don't just sit back and watch the world go by. I no longer slide along and let everyone else guide me, fix my problems, tell me what to do.
I've been thinking about what I want. Not what others want for me.
For a really long time I've lived to please, to bid to every whim that anyone had. Be a doctor! She would tell me. And I would instantly want to become a doctor.
[Please note that my mother never wanted me to be a doctor :3] But while doing all of this, bending this way and that to try to please everyone I forgot about what I wanted, and it's just now that I've been working to get that back.
There are still times that I have to ask myself if doing this or that is really something that I want, or if it's just something to please so and so.
I have decided I want a tattoo. It's actually something that I've always really wanted. A piece of art that you can carry around forever and ever. Art that really means something to you.
I told this to my aunt the other day and she started crying. She BEGGED me not to do it. And maybe a few months ago I would have promised that I wouldn't get one, but this time I only said sorry, which only led to more crying. :/
OH WELL.
I swear I'm figuring it all out. At the moment it is all I can do!
Flicking off nature. What a rebel.
The other day my cousin called to tell me he has become someone that he truly hates.
He told me that he does things that he knows will only lead to heart-ache and failure.
So I told him what any good cousin would tell him.
If you know you have become someone that you don't want to be - change it.
If you are doing something that will lead you to failure - don't do it.
It was so obvious to me when it was someone else. What is the problem? Be different.
But as I'm ranting to him about how to become a better person I realize that more than anything I'm talking to myself. Ouch.
Alright. So now that I have unknowingly handed myself the key to success it shouldn't be a problem. STOP being the old Cat that doesn't know Jack. DON'T keep making the same mistakes.
Believe it or not I have been figuring myself out.
I don't just sit back and watch the world go by. I no longer slide along and let everyone else guide me, fix my problems, tell me what to do.
I've been thinking about what I want. Not what others want for me.
For a really long time I've lived to please, to bid to every whim that anyone had. Be a doctor! She would tell me. And I would instantly want to become a doctor.
[Please note that my mother never wanted me to be a doctor :3] But while doing all of this, bending this way and that to try to please everyone I forgot about what I wanted, and it's just now that I've been working to get that back.
There are still times that I have to ask myself if doing this or that is really something that I want, or if it's just something to please so and so.
I have decided I want a tattoo. It's actually something that I've always really wanted. A piece of art that you can carry around forever and ever. Art that really means something to you.
I told this to my aunt the other day and she started crying. She BEGGED me not to do it. And maybe a few months ago I would have promised that I wouldn't get one, but this time I only said sorry, which only led to more crying. :/
OH WELL.
I swear I'm figuring it all out. At the moment it is all I can do!
Saturday, April 18, 2009
Inspiration is just a spark...
The future is a mysterious creature. A creature that we will never get the change to trap, to hold, know or be friendly with. It is always just one step ahead of us.
Yes, the fact is that one never reaches the future.
Tomorrow will simply become today when tomorrow comes. The future once again gives us the slip.
This is something I've always felt I've understood.
But last night I realized,
I live for the future.
Why would I live for something that I can never really obtain and hold on to?
As I fight to understand the future and waste time fearing about what may be, I loose touch with the present and let all of the wonderful precious moment I hold this very second slip away. Those are moments I can never retrieve.
I've wasted almost 19 years of wondering what is going to be, instead of what is happening all around me at this very moment, and this deeply disturbs me.
But, past, another mysterious creature that we can never capture or hold, is just another waste of my valuable time and something that I will no longer dwell on.
I will only live for today. For this very moment. For what is, and not what will be.
Thank you for helping me understand.
Thank you for that spark.
Now I'm no longer waisting my time.
Yes, the fact is that one never reaches the future.
Tomorrow will simply become today when tomorrow comes. The future once again gives us the slip.
This is something I've always felt I've understood.
But last night I realized,
I live for the future.
Why would I live for something that I can never really obtain and hold on to?
As I fight to understand the future and waste time fearing about what may be, I loose touch with the present and let all of the wonderful precious moment I hold this very second slip away. Those are moments I can never retrieve.
I've wasted almost 19 years of wondering what is going to be, instead of what is happening all around me at this very moment, and this deeply disturbs me.
But, past, another mysterious creature that we can never capture or hold, is just another waste of my valuable time and something that I will no longer dwell on.
I will only live for today. For this very moment. For what is, and not what will be.
Thank you for helping me understand.
Thank you for that spark.
Now I'm no longer waisting my time.
Friday, April 17, 2009
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
3 years in a trash bag
Yet another beautiful day- slips through my fingers.
Instead of opening my blinds and letting the sun sink into my skin, I cleaned, recycled, researched, and naked napped.
Oh to be naked. To be without the discomfort, the twist and tangles of rough cloth on soft skin. Most excellent.
So I decided to go through my garage and free all of my stuffed furry friends. They had been captured and trapped in large plastic bags for years. Ohhhh nostalgia hit me like a run away horse and buggy.
I found Twinkie, the dog.
Bubsy, the rabbit.
Fifel, the mouse.
Sparkles, the unicorn.
Joe Boy, the cocker spaniel.
Mrs. Grapes-a-lot, the hippo.
Luna, the cat.
Animal, the slinky.
AND.
Squeaks, the...?
My absolute favorite toy as a baby, I would carry Squeaks around any and everywhere I went.
I'm totally cuddling with him tonight.
Instead of opening my blinds and letting the sun sink into my skin, I cleaned, recycled, researched, and naked napped.
Oh to be naked. To be without the discomfort, the twist and tangles of rough cloth on soft skin. Most excellent.
So I decided to go through my garage and free all of my stuffed furry friends. They had been captured and trapped in large plastic bags for years. Ohhhh nostalgia hit me like a run away horse and buggy.
I found Twinkie, the dog.
Bubsy, the rabbit.
Fifel, the mouse.
Sparkles, the unicorn.
Joe Boy, the cocker spaniel.
Mrs. Grapes-a-lot, the hippo.
Luna, the cat.
Animal, the slinky.
AND.
Squeaks, the...?
My absolute favorite toy as a baby, I would carry Squeaks around any and everywhere I went.
I'm totally cuddling with him tonight.
Friday, April 10, 2009
In other news.
I freaking love everyone and everything in New Mexico.
Especially my Jon-bear. :D
I'm pretty sure he is the only reason I haven't gone postal [yet].
Yes, it's just the most ridiculously wonderful feeling to know that there is someone out there that loves you more than anything and to love them back just as much.
It's nice to have someone to come home to, to talk to about anything, and to not be judged even though you are such a dumb you really deserve to be judged.
Yup! 3 months today, even though it feels more like 3 years. It's ok, I'm not in a hurry, we have the rest of forever after all.
Especially my Jon-bear. :D
I'm pretty sure he is the only reason I haven't gone postal [yet].
Yes, it's just the most ridiculously wonderful feeling to know that there is someone out there that loves you more than anything and to love them back just as much.
It's nice to have someone to come home to, to talk to about anything, and to not be judged even though you are such a dumb you really deserve to be judged.
Yup! 3 months today, even though it feels more like 3 years. It's ok, I'm not in a hurry, we have the rest of forever after all.
The non-eventful life of a crash dummy
So.
Bleh.
I am realizing the number of friends I have is rapidly decreasing.
I find myself asking all too often, What makes me such an easy target.
Being the so-called "slutty/stupid/annoying/outcast/beat-em-up" friend isn't fun. For the first 4 years that I have known most of these people I looked past this simply because that's how it has always been. But now I stop and wonder why this is still happening. None of my other friends are being beat up and/or suffocated while everyone else sits around and pretends it isn't happening. or worse. laughs.
In all honesty, up until this point I've just laughed along with them, shrugged it off. It's no big deal. But every time I come home physically hurt it gets more and more irritating.
I guess I haven't done anything about this before because they are the only friends I have. It's not like I'm the most popular or approachable chick in the galaxy.
So, what I'm trying to say is. I wish that while I was around my friends I felt safe and loved.
What do I do? Should I just leave all of my friends and try to start over? It sounds harsh, but having a serious talk isn't working, because they don't take me seriously.
Maybe there is something wrong with me, because I still love all of these people. So, I guess for now I will work on not being used and beat and etc etc.
QWERTYUIOLKJHGFDESXCFVGBHJ.
Ok. That's all. The Pokemon Movie is on and I totally want to watch it.
Bleh.
I am realizing the number of friends I have is rapidly decreasing.
I find myself asking all too often, What makes me such an easy target.
Being the so-called "slutty/stupid/annoying/outcast/beat-em-up" friend isn't fun. For the first 4 years that I have known most of these people I looked past this simply because that's how it has always been. But now I stop and wonder why this is still happening. None of my other friends are being beat up and/or suffocated while everyone else sits around and pretends it isn't happening. or worse. laughs.
In all honesty, up until this point I've just laughed along with them, shrugged it off. It's no big deal. But every time I come home physically hurt it gets more and more irritating.
I guess I haven't done anything about this before because they are the only friends I have. It's not like I'm the most popular or approachable chick in the galaxy.
So, what I'm trying to say is. I wish that while I was around my friends I felt safe and loved.
What do I do? Should I just leave all of my friends and try to start over? It sounds harsh, but having a serious talk isn't working, because they don't take me seriously.
Maybe there is something wrong with me, because I still love all of these people. So, I guess for now I will work on not being used and beat and etc etc.
QWERTYUIOLKJHGFDESXCFVGBHJ.
Ok. That's all. The Pokemon Movie is on and I totally want to watch it.
Saturday, April 4, 2009
I wish to eat your flesh
I got a new book.
MMMM books, I'm not super far into it yet, simply because math homework > reading
but, I can say to you that it is not a very high reading level book. For some reason it makes me feel a little lacking :C
I can look past this, why?
Well it's called Pride and Prejudice and Zombies and for this reason alone I feel I must read it.
It's one of those books that is just cool to say you've read.
In other news, I'm getting my DSi tonight at midnight, I am rather gitty. I shall be sure to tell you all about it as soon as I get it.
I, of course, am getting the sexy blue one.
I would rather have the lime green one that is out in Japan, but screw the wait.
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Behold
I would like the thank the brain tumor that is pushing against my eye sockets.
Besides the fact that I woke up way late, my paper wouldn't print, mom blamed me for all the computers in the house exploding, and I've had a throbbing headache all day: today has been pretty good.
I guess because nothing besides that has really happened.
I shall make a to-do list!
ahem
1. get out of bed
2. put on pants (maybe)
3. do some laundry
4. finish cleaning this god-awful room
5. eat (again: maybe)
6. IF TIME, do homework.
I always put the homework off for last :3
ok! so! here I go! (maybe)
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